Have you ever been able to sense yourself NOT joining?  In this case, have you not joined out of fear or revulsion or anger?

What did you learn from that?  Why did you intend to join in the first place?

Peace is not a static goal anymore.  It is about joining whether you want to or not.  It is about bringing yourself to the fight with a plan for not fighting out of misunderstanding or hate, but just because you want a fight.  

How to stay in the fight without fighting, that is defending yourself but not being anger driven or fear driven, like my usual self.

The Buddhist answer would be to know yourself enough to give yourself the choice. 

There does seem to be an order to the way stories are told that enable them to be heard, say, a language, a shared heritage, an overwhelming need to categorize everything to make it comprehensible.  Now that the classes are giving me the solid structure to every line, every word, every moment, I can see how important it will become to learn how to break all the rules once they are your own.  Cowed by what remains, since now it is only my own fear of letting the brain cells splat all over my verbiage, not my brain cells mind you, since I tend to subsume that organ in here, but other's eyeball muscles are being directed forward to these arrangements, this score, a song of uncertainty but here making decisions anyway.

There are only the few of you around that I even care enough about to be conscious of, everyone else, go un-fuck yourself, an insult so bad I won't explain it!

Otherwise, love is sitting at keyboard.  

What has happened is, I have stopped crying about it.  Now there is only the will to write it down.  

I had to start with an earliest memory, but sometimes the premonitions are even more urgent, especially now that it was clear that this would eventually occur.  There was a way to change the outcome, but instead we will have to remind each other, using the most hellacious and potent example there is, Delrae's POV.  What she must be going through hurts more than anything now and that is a good sign for me, naturally enough.  My second eldest sister's grandson meant something to her and wanted the best for her kids and progeny, so taking care of him will be beneficial to the family in the long run.

Have to work so much on scripts now and may not post that here, but once in awhile, this will be the only place to be.  There are family members who must trust their voices and their visions of the future and not be afraid.  I am wondering if I may be one of those.  Have to find out.