Isolation

Song of the day: "Help Yourself" Sad Brad Smith (from Up in the Air)
"Take the time to take apart each brick that sits outside your heart and look around you."

I sit here and envision my family members, moving around on a map over time and it is clear, there are some of us who never go home. In doing my family tree I see that a few of us who would fly the coop and head to other parts of the world and never come home. I seem to be one of those.

Not sure how to feel about that fact. It makes me wonder about home and safety, home and identity, home and where it is.

It definitely guides where this blog is going. The approach is: I am writing a letter to my kids and their kids. I don't know myself well and the above observation is the first nugget of self-knowledge and it made me sad just to write it. I realize that I am sitting here in front of a screen by myself just as I was when I was fifteen and scribbling in a notebook, raging and "beavering away" in the broil of my large, crazy family but closed off, writing, waiting, trying not to kill myself.

If this letter/blog is going to be an open wound eventually - fair warning - it will follow an arc, what doesn't? I won't always be naked and bleeding, sometimes I'll be naked and just hanging out. If it is too personal for you, fuck off. I mean that in a very respectful way.

There is only one audience for me and they know I have this thing for music. Note about content: It will scattered all over the place, I don't care. I want to stop making sense. But music will be here, movies I like, books I'm reading.

This is Kikisoblu (aka Princess Angeline) of Duwamps (Seattle) and she's hanging out with her dog. I am going to become her.

Spent the day imaging how we could conquer fear, not sure I know anything yet. I don't know is my mantra.

It's not too late

There is fight or flight and something better and more effective. That something is what I am going to look for in this vomit-fest called a blog. This worm smear that is our organic life on earth is at peril and whatever I can do, along with all those out there that want to figure it out with me - I will do. We are going to die anyway, so fuggit.

BTW, I only disparage this writing because that's what I was taught to do. Anytime my natural brilliance showed through, it caused anger in ignorant people so I stopped showing it, out of fear and worse, I let myself be ignorant in turn. Once I shut down, the anger and fear came back to fill in the spaces I had reserved for love and enlightenment.

Now I don't give two fucks. My language will be offensive mainly because I use it like the drunken Indian I used to be, all slashing and burning, wanting revenge and only hurting myself and those who love me instead. It's possible it will be fine most of the time. Readable? Not sure about that but probably family and friends may have some reaction, I hope so.

One thing about being Mii Mii Puu they always say, "Hey, we didn't do anything, that was a long time ago, get over it already!" Well, I am "over it" once and for all. That doesn't mean there is no accountability, there is, there always will be.

But first, we have to know ourselves so unfortunately for anyone who happens to read this, I have to learn about myself here as much as I can without pissing off the people currently in my life. I can be general enough but the gist of it is: I am a sick fuck that made a lot of mistakes and only did two things right, I got married to my wife and I gave birth to my two daughters.

There has to be a balance, so there is "good" too, for me, art of all kinds. I share all sorts of songs, images, videos and movies just to share all of my influences as I explore the cesspool of me. Water is life and one day it will cleanse me but for now I have to learn to accept myself, cesspool and all.

And, (of course, there's always an "and") since the only consistent thought throughout all of my youthful insanity from birth is, "What about peace? What about it, huh?" This blog will be concerned with how to get people together to make peace, all of us knowing it is up to us to do it. NO ONE is going to do it for us.

After that, it's all in the moment, good or bad, black or white, up or down, in the light and in the dark.

"I can't stand the thought of losing you. . ." Rare Earth

Design by D. Emerson, "Follow"