Isolation

Song of the day: "Help Yourself" Sad Brad Smith (from Up in the Air)
"Take the time to take apart each brick that sits outside your heart and look around you."

I sit here and envision my family members, moving around on a map over time and it is clear, there are some of us who never go home. In doing my family tree I see that a few of us who would fly the coop and head to other parts of the world and never come home. I seem to be one of those.

Not sure how to feel about that fact. It makes me wonder about home and safety, home and identity, home and where it is.

It definitely guides where this blog is going. The approach is: I am writing a letter to my kids and their kids. I don't know myself well and the above observation is the first nugget of self-knowledge and it made me sad just to write it. I realize that I am sitting here in front of a screen by myself just as I was when I was fifteen and scribbling in a notebook, raging and "beavering away" in the broil of my large, crazy family but closed off, writing, waiting, trying not to kill myself.

If this letter/blog is going to be an open wound eventually - fair warning - it will follow an arc, what doesn't? I won't always be naked and bleeding, sometimes I'll be naked and just hanging out. If it is too personal for you, fuck off. I mean that in a very respectful way.

There is only one audience for me and they know I have this thing for music. Note about content: It will scattered all over the place, I don't care. I want to stop making sense. But music will be here, movies I like, books I'm reading.

This is Kikisoblu (aka Princess Angeline) of Duwamps (Seattle) and she's hanging out with her dog. I am going to become her.

Spent the day imaging how we could conquer fear, not sure I know anything yet. I don't know is my mantra.

It's not too late

There is fight or flight and something better and more effective. That something is what I am going to look for in this vomit-fest called a blog. This worm smear that is our organic life on earth is at peril and whatever I can do, along with all those out there that want to figure it out with me - I will do. We are going to die anyway, so fuggit.

BTW, I only disparage this writing because that's what I was taught to do. Anytime my natural brilliance showed through, it caused anger in ignorant people so I stopped showing it, out of fear and worse, I let myself be ignorant in turn. Once I shut down, the anger and fear came back to fill in the spaces I had reserved for love and enlightenment.

Now I don't give two fucks. My language will be offensive mainly because I use it like the drunken Indian I used to be, all slashing and burning, wanting revenge and only hurting myself and those who love me instead. It's possible it will be fine most of the time. Readable? Not sure about that but probably family and friends may have some reaction, I hope so.

One thing about being Mii Mii Puu they always say, "Hey, we didn't do anything, that was a long time ago, get over it already!" Well, I am "over it" once and for all. That doesn't mean there is no accountability, there is, there always will be.

But first, we have to know ourselves so unfortunately for anyone who happens to read this, I have to learn about myself here as much as I can without pissing off the people currently in my life. I can be general enough but the gist of it is: I am a sick fuck that made a lot of mistakes and only did two things right, I got married to my wife and I gave birth to my two daughters.

There has to be a balance, so there is "good" too, for me, art of all kinds. I share all sorts of songs, images, videos and movies just to share all of my influences as I explore the cesspool of me. Water is life and one day it will cleanse me but for now I have to learn to accept myself, cesspool and all.

And, (of course, there's always an "and") since the only consistent thought throughout all of my youthful insanity from birth is, "What about peace? What about it, huh?" This blog will be concerned with how to get people together to make peace, all of us knowing it is up to us to do it. NO ONE is going to do it for us.

After that, it's all in the moment, good or bad, black or white, up or down, in the light and in the dark.

"I can't stand the thought of losing you. . ." Rare Earth

Design by D. Emerson, "Follow"

R-Evolution

6/18/12 9:27 AM There are only a few things that I have to do everyday. How to make those small things a necessary action towards a peaceful world? I have to be honest with myself for once. Writing is being naked. I have never been good with stripping myself, much less able to know myself that well. My dreams of being naked have terrified me in the past and always the dream ended badly. Older, naked is a less fearful thought to me now but still, not many of us want to stand in front of everyone you know and be simply defenseless and a little bit evil. (Who else cares that Facebook’s stock rose more that 5% today? Yes, some QE3 move is imminent and even people that are not even a little bit evil can care about that.) So, I have an Endless fascination with movies and the markets, what world peace aspect is there to that? Writing about movies and markets in a unique voice, maybe, but self-identity is the first order from down low. Have found myself intensely interested in genealogy and family tree sources and stories. The whole exercise is absolutely fascinating to me and I have to do it everyday. I imagine kid a thousand years from now trying to make sense of the tree I have added so much information to yet I can only hope the information I have found and added is accurate as well. The kid wants to know who they are through who their ancestors were. Madly translating that for your own family is all I care about. It mainly shows me how related to each other we really are. I’m a bit on a short corner of the tree since I cannot document anything, but some trees are so crazy complicated and all those intertwining branches are related to each other! I love that part of it, the certainty of a universal family in some way World Peace itself. 6/19/12 9:26 AM I couldn’t watch the house hearing with the CEO of JPM. The whole thing is enough to make me get my ass out of this chair! If someone were this corrupt in our old family camps, what would we do about it? There seems to be no comparison but I cannot believe that our banking system is so special in the way it is THE evil of our times. That system was created and corrupted by humans, mainly men, but HUMAN men, and humans can put it aright. It may be too late to save capitalism (Bush broke it), but we can be creative and yet again, find a way to take care of each other. In our camps, I imagine that shame would be the driving tactic. We all know deep down, that we have to be there for each other. We want independence for each other, yet be totally dependent on each other. How fucking simple is that? If you are out of balance, a family would let you know that, you would be shamed by your selfishness, I imagine. If there were someone corrupt in our system, it could not be hidden, that would have been impossible. We are in a tech world now and it is harder to hide your bad self if it is THAT bad. I could name at least ten, maybe thirteen, bankers that if we had any kind of justice in this country, would be IN Jail now, or at least out on bail, which is more likely, but instead, we have corruption. How this happened is our usual fear stained action. We never have enough, so our head is unsettled. Our unsettled mind needs grounding and we always think we’ve found it and we HAVE NOT! Yes, I imagine shame has a lot to do with how we judge each other now but there has to be a ground, an earth that gives us a common knowledge and I remember it to be called the Mother, others remember a Monster, some others a Dreamer, in some stories, a Coyote. I’m not sure we care which one is True, what matters is that we Remember. That doesn’t mean Fear, it means Togetherness, which is the bottom line for religion, ennit? The pamphlet blurb: “Frustrated voter kills democracy in order to revive it. She needs your help.” Yes, I mean Tom Paine-like pamphlet, dammit. There is just so much a couch potato can stand. This thing has to be printed (on recycled paper, no less) so that the person on the street, you know, the ones without a laptop, can read up on the r-evolution(s) of our times. Seems like they would want to know. First, you have to realize that someone is going to want to kill you for speaking up, for being you, and that person may succeed. This is not the raving of some grandiose world-breaker, this is just the day of crazies misinterpreting the second amendment. The militia is us, yes, but not the ordinary Joe, a special, empathetic Joe, not just any stockpile weapons Joe. Unfortunately, anyone who stands up is liable to be shot down, just because guns are more available than a gram of pot. That is a serious and strange disparity. Today, I decided that being shot is my dream, so be it.

BP and treaties

watching Senator Al Franken ask the oil guy, jack coleman, about oil drilling is so eductional. the oil guy is like a oil sheen of sleaze sloshing around the room. Franken: "I don't understand your reaction."

drones like coleman will fight for treaties and pre american sovereignty, i'm sure. shareholders, my sweet ass. if the government can screw nii mii puus on their TREATY, what makes your damn contract worth anythingG?!

cspan is killing me.

Another oil industry fail and i'm helpless until i'm on my bike

most of us are just barely getting by and then this oil disaster happens and no one can be serious enough about it to stop our use of oil. we have to act by doing that one big thing, getting out of our cars. don't ask me how to do it, because usually i'm bus bound but all i have to do is fix the bike tire and i'm out on the street, free and happy to pedal slowly down the street. yeah, everything is a hassle but in place of marching or riding down there and trying to express my rage and grief, may or may not have an effect, depending on the plan and your willingness for giving your life to it. until i can do something real without so much rage and grief, i can ride my bike or walk while i still can. it's just too much stress to watch what is happening and not do something, however small.

as for something large, everyone has a dream and since no one else can express it, that has to be the other action i take, then take it from there. the only problem is, no one will be interested in my dream unless others have it, but strangely, i believe there must be others who can help me elucidate it, make it real. who and where will i find them?

mathematically unintelligent = suckers

buffett shows some respect, for Brooksley Born! he is afraid of someone for once. these hearings are a joke otherwise.

buff is looking at holtz-eakin like he's viewing a frog mating.

what the hell does "estimable" mean? the deference given buff is so naked and frankly, nauseating. what does "there is UTILITY in the model" mean? sounds like he's saying, "we can make money, so the model works."

got to stop watching before i throw something.