we're just a bunch of sludgey mother fuckers sleazing around! i have always felt that i was the dumbest one around, so i hide my ignorance by not writing, by not speaking out because i think everyone else knows, everyone else has the resources and time but no, not me. shit! now i know everyone else is just as fucking STUPID as i am! i don't how to express all this anger without swearing but i will in deference to my partner who hates my alley talk. i love it but oh well, i'm used to censoring myself, that is the whole point, right?

some idiot went to law school and all they get to do is be sleazy!? a guy goes to business school and all they get to do is become welfare queens!? you decide you're going to be in government at miserable rates and all you can do is let lobbyists screw you?!

there's got to be somebody who can do a job without selling their soul.

no one chooses to starve, but to be so acquisitive, against ALL logic, is suicide for us. what we do is act like we want to live here, act like we want clean air and water. simple.

AIG hearing on CSPAN

It is so instructive to actually hear the suits get together and explain to each other how fucked up they are. "De-leverage and De-risk the company!?" what the hell is up with an entire system of people basing EVERYTHING on "good risk management and planning?!" How does a naked short sale work? is it the same fucking thing that happened when we were forced to sign treaties? how and why some tribes signed treaties for others and all were forced to comply and all lost almost everything? This kind of greed and mendacity are rampant but by no means "new."

we created this world together, i have to keep reminding myself of that. now we have to fix it, together. how does one person start? tell me.

This earth is NOT "bounty"!

Another word or phrase i take issue with because what else can i do? just die, ay? Listening to our president explain to us how we will stop shitting on ourselves. earth is literally our mother and is not FOR us. merde! i'm enraged again, same as when some suit says "going forward, blah, blah, blah.", or another says, "we want to MAKE SURE blah, blah, blah."

is this what "forked" tongue means?

speaking of wall street, on american greed, a woman says, (paraphrase) "what did i learn? don't trust a man wearing an expensive suit and italian loafers."

today govt (via the Minerals Management Service and Obama) and wall street (arrggj!) got mixed up in my head. not a great combination to make something positive, got to try, AND die trying!

is this what being the fool who sold Manhattan for a string of beads feels like?

Ignorant but watching anyway

The stock market has been in my consciousness since that day in high school, waay, waaay back in the early '70's, when my econ teacher gave us play money to buy stocks. I became a play money millionaire in my own head as the stocks i picked gained and lost. it was a form of gambling in a way i understood except that in stickgame, the odds are always 50/50. i should have shorted myself on graduating from high school but that stock picking experience always kept me looking at the back page of the business section whenever i had a paper in my hands. lately i have had to gain more understanding of it as bun and i have had a little bit of pension money locked up with pebb. they have unwisely settled on muni bonds and "safe" picks that are now tanking. i knew the car companies would go down, even predicted housing crash (we still have 25% to go down) and cashed out my own small pension at the high but now the only thing i can think of is, "dow 5000, then i'll buy, (if i had the money of course) call it a market "correction".

Trying to self reflect, not succeeding but

at least, giving it a try. It is too easy to simply shit on yourself and make it even harder to give yourself a voice and let it be heard, crap though it may be. Why it matters so much that a voice is in perfect tune before it can be used is getting more ridiculous as I get older. How to get tuned? Fear is strangling me. I was not in the best mental or emotional health as it is, and the world burns. Every unreal image or experience, as a totality of our stories, hopefully, has to get sung, get written, ready or not.

It is also unfortunate that i am all the things i hate, including racist and fiscally irresponsible. I cannot fault myself for sexual peccadilloes, because who doesn't have them? not too crazy in that area, all in all, especially in light of the scandals of high profile politicos in the last few years. just as irresponsible is not being able to face anything, especially life and death, but including the most basic work needed to hold self, family, neighborhood and world together. what that is about cannot be the most important question for myself, or it stops me from doing anything, never mind keeping up with writing anything. i don't care why i'm so imperfect anymore, i have to have a plan for doing better, sure, but death is imminent, why is unanswerable, a waste of time. so sing it, ay?

My rage makes me incoherent, guess i can't worry about that anymore either. reactionary? what choice do i have other than to anticipate and be natural, whatever that is at the moment? people are sleeping under bridges and have no food, what can i do about that? what do we do as our water and air are poisoned and non one has trust in anything, so it all gets worse while we fight over limited resources. Dreaming helps by allowing me to experience a world at peace, music in the air, campfires bright, people streaming here and there, getting ready for something, laughing, calling out. I'm always headed up a hill towards a starry sky, family beside me, a long walk ahead.

not cancer

have been negligent yet again but at least now i know i do not have cancer of the colon. the test was not bad, the preparation was noxious but worth it all in all. the health of our entire ecosystem is another question entirely and how i feel is enraged. what to do about all that other than write to this blog, which btw, is still directed to the kids that i have in reality, since as usual, i cannot communicate directly with them either, at least not right now.

my days are short, and like everyone else, i want to be free, comfortable, loved, a lover, a good friend with real friends, to be a part of my own family and able to create family out of the masses. no way to know anything, so kuunuu to all of religion and politics, economics especially. no more tv news for me either. what truth there is i have to find in myself and for now, i'm a big, fat, liar.

SHPY (should have posted yesterday)

bp and gs are falling like boulders and are even being downgraded, like that ever happens and wow.  bp is losing something like point ten per ten minutes and gs has lost 20 billion in value!

"blah-blah" Biggs says "buy." dow down 140 pints.  boy, he is stuttering like a schoolboy not sure of his answer.  he must own a lot of gs and he knows this is not a jobless recovery, there is no recovery at all.

today is the last day of first time homeowner credit and jingle mail outpaces that.  we are not close to a bottom, why do we deny this?

who looks at disaster and smiles?