Trying to self reflect, not succeeding but

at least, giving it a try. It is too easy to simply shit on yourself and make it even harder to give yourself a voice and let it be heard, crap though it may be. Why it matters so much that a voice is in perfect tune before it can be used is getting more ridiculous as I get older. How to get tuned? Fear is strangling me. I was not in the best mental or emotional health as it is, and the world burns. Every unreal image or experience, as a totality of our stories, hopefully, has to get sung, get written, ready or not.

It is also unfortunate that i am all the things i hate, including racist and fiscally irresponsible. I cannot fault myself for sexual peccadilloes, because who doesn't have them? not too crazy in that area, all in all, especially in light of the scandals of high profile politicos in the last few years. just as irresponsible is not being able to face anything, especially life and death, but including the most basic work needed to hold self, family, neighborhood and world together. what that is about cannot be the most important question for myself, or it stops me from doing anything, never mind keeping up with writing anything. i don't care why i'm so imperfect anymore, i have to have a plan for doing better, sure, but death is imminent, why is unanswerable, a waste of time. so sing it, ay?

My rage makes me incoherent, guess i can't worry about that anymore either. reactionary? what choice do i have other than to anticipate and be natural, whatever that is at the moment? people are sleeping under bridges and have no food, what can i do about that? what do we do as our water and air are poisoned and non one has trust in anything, so it all gets worse while we fight over limited resources. Dreaming helps by allowing me to experience a world at peace, music in the air, campfires bright, people streaming here and there, getting ready for something, laughing, calling out. I'm always headed up a hill towards a starry sky, family beside me, a long walk ahead.