Isolation

Song of the day: "Help Yourself" Sad Brad Smith (from Up in the Air)
"Take the time to take apart each brick that sits outside your heart and look around you."

I sit here and envision my family members, moving around on a map over time and it is clear, there are some of us who never go home. In doing my family tree I see that a few of us who would fly the coop and head to other parts of the world and never come home. I seem to be one of those.

Not sure how to feel about that fact. It makes me wonder about home and safety, home and identity, home and where it is.

It definitely guides where this blog is going. The approach is: I am writing a letter to my kids and their kids. I don't know myself well and the above observation is the first nugget of self-knowledge and it made me sad just to write it. I realize that I am sitting here in front of a screen by myself just as I was when I was fifteen and scribbling in a notebook, raging and "beavering away" in the broil of my large, crazy family but closed off, writing, waiting, trying not to kill myself.

If this letter/blog is going to be an open wound eventually - fair warning - it will follow an arc, what doesn't? I won't always be naked and bleeding, sometimes I'll be naked and just hanging out. If it is too personal for you, fuck off. I mean that in a very respectful way.

There is only one audience for me and they know I have this thing for music. Note about content: It will scattered all over the place, I don't care. I want to stop making sense. But music will be here, movies I like, books I'm reading.

This is Kikisoblu (aka Princess Angeline) of Duwamps (Seattle) and she's hanging out with her dog. I am going to become her.

Spent the day imaging how we could conquer fear, not sure I know anything yet. I don't know is my mantra.

It's not too late

There is fight or flight and something better and more effective. That something is what I am going to look for in this vomit-fest called a blog. This worm smear that is our organic life on earth is at peril and whatever I can do, along with all those out there that want to figure it out with me - I will do. We are going to die anyway, so fuggit.

BTW, I only disparage this writing because that's what I was taught to do. Anytime my natural brilliance showed through, it caused anger in ignorant people so I stopped showing it, out of fear and worse, I let myself be ignorant in turn. Once I shut down, the anger and fear came back to fill in the spaces I had reserved for love and enlightenment.

Now I don't give two fucks. My language will be offensive mainly because I use it like the drunken Indian I used to be, all slashing and burning, wanting revenge and only hurting myself and those who love me instead. It's possible it will be fine most of the time. Readable? Not sure about that but probably family and friends may have some reaction, I hope so.

One thing about being Mii Mii Puu they always say, "Hey, we didn't do anything, that was a long time ago, get over it already!" Well, I am "over it" once and for all. That doesn't mean there is no accountability, there is, there always will be.

But first, we have to know ourselves so unfortunately for anyone who happens to read this, I have to learn about myself here as much as I can without pissing off the people currently in my life. I can be general enough but the gist of it is: I am a sick fuck that made a lot of mistakes and only did two things right, I got married to my wife and I gave birth to my two daughters.

There has to be a balance, so there is "good" too, for me, art of all kinds. I share all sorts of songs, images, videos and movies just to share all of my influences as I explore the cesspool of me. Water is life and one day it will cleanse me but for now I have to learn to accept myself, cesspool and all.

And, (of course, there's always an "and") since the only consistent thought throughout all of my youthful insanity from birth is, "What about peace? What about it, huh?" This blog will be concerned with how to get people together to make peace, all of us knowing it is up to us to do it. NO ONE is going to do it for us.

After that, it's all in the moment, good or bad, black or white, up or down, in the light and in the dark.

"I can't stand the thought of losing you. . ." Rare Earth

Design by D. Emerson, "Follow"

R-Evolution

6/18/12 9:27 AM There are only a few things that I have to do everyday. How to make those small things a necessary action towards a peaceful world? I have to be honest with myself for once. Writing is being naked. I have never been good with stripping myself, much less able to know myself that well. My dreams of being naked have terrified me in the past and always the dream ended badly. Older, naked is a less fearful thought to me now but still, not many of us want to stand in front of everyone you know and be simply defenseless and a little bit evil. (Who else cares that Facebook’s stock rose more that 5% today? Yes, some QE3 move is imminent and even people that are not even a little bit evil can care about that.) So, I have an Endless fascination with movies and the markets, what world peace aspect is there to that? Writing about movies and markets in a unique voice, maybe, but self-identity is the first order from down low. Have found myself intensely interested in genealogy and family tree sources and stories. The whole exercise is absolutely fascinating to me and I have to do it everyday. I imagine kid a thousand years from now trying to make sense of the tree I have added so much information to yet I can only hope the information I have found and added is accurate as well. The kid wants to know who they are through who their ancestors were. Madly translating that for your own family is all I care about. It mainly shows me how related to each other we really are. I’m a bit on a short corner of the tree since I cannot document anything, but some trees are so crazy complicated and all those intertwining branches are related to each other! I love that part of it, the certainty of a universal family in some way World Peace itself. 6/19/12 9:26 AM I couldn’t watch the house hearing with the CEO of JPM. The whole thing is enough to make me get my ass out of this chair! If someone were this corrupt in our old family camps, what would we do about it? There seems to be no comparison but I cannot believe that our banking system is so special in the way it is THE evil of our times. That system was created and corrupted by humans, mainly men, but HUMAN men, and humans can put it aright. It may be too late to save capitalism (Bush broke it), but we can be creative and yet again, find a way to take care of each other. In our camps, I imagine that shame would be the driving tactic. We all know deep down, that we have to be there for each other. We want independence for each other, yet be totally dependent on each other. How fucking simple is that? If you are out of balance, a family would let you know that, you would be shamed by your selfishness, I imagine. If there were someone corrupt in our system, it could not be hidden, that would have been impossible. We are in a tech world now and it is harder to hide your bad self if it is THAT bad. I could name at least ten, maybe thirteen, bankers that if we had any kind of justice in this country, would be IN Jail now, or at least out on bail, which is more likely, but instead, we have corruption. How this happened is our usual fear stained action. We never have enough, so our head is unsettled. Our unsettled mind needs grounding and we always think we’ve found it and we HAVE NOT! Yes, I imagine shame has a lot to do with how we judge each other now but there has to be a ground, an earth that gives us a common knowledge and I remember it to be called the Mother, others remember a Monster, some others a Dreamer, in some stories, a Coyote. I’m not sure we care which one is True, what matters is that we Remember. That doesn’t mean Fear, it means Togetherness, which is the bottom line for religion, ennit? The pamphlet blurb: “Frustrated voter kills democracy in order to revive it. She needs your help.” Yes, I mean Tom Paine-like pamphlet, dammit. There is just so much a couch potato can stand. This thing has to be printed (on recycled paper, no less) so that the person on the street, you know, the ones without a laptop, can read up on the r-evolution(s) of our times. Seems like they would want to know. First, you have to realize that someone is going to want to kill you for speaking up, for being you, and that person may succeed. This is not the raving of some grandiose world-breaker, this is just the day of crazies misinterpreting the second amendment. The militia is us, yes, but not the ordinary Joe, a special, empathetic Joe, not just any stockpile weapons Joe. Unfortunately, anyone who stands up is liable to be shot down, just because guns are more available than a gram of pot. That is a serious and strange disparity. Today, I decided that being shot is my dream, so be it.

BP and treaties

watching Senator Al Franken ask the oil guy, jack coleman, about oil drilling is so eductional. the oil guy is like a oil sheen of sleaze sloshing around the room. Franken: "I don't understand your reaction."

drones like coleman will fight for treaties and pre american sovereignty, i'm sure. shareholders, my sweet ass. if the government can screw nii mii puus on their TREATY, what makes your damn contract worth anythingG?!

cspan is killing me.

Another oil industry fail and i'm helpless until i'm on my bike

most of us are just barely getting by and then this oil disaster happens and no one can be serious enough about it to stop our use of oil. we have to act by doing that one big thing, getting out of our cars. don't ask me how to do it, because usually i'm bus bound but all i have to do is fix the bike tire and i'm out on the street, free and happy to pedal slowly down the street. yeah, everything is a hassle but in place of marching or riding down there and trying to express my rage and grief, may or may not have an effect, depending on the plan and your willingness for giving your life to it. until i can do something real without so much rage and grief, i can ride my bike or walk while i still can. it's just too much stress to watch what is happening and not do something, however small.

as for something large, everyone has a dream and since no one else can express it, that has to be the other action i take, then take it from there. the only problem is, no one will be interested in my dream unless others have it, but strangely, i believe there must be others who can help me elucidate it, make it real. who and where will i find them?

mathematically unintelligent = suckers

buffett shows some respect, for Brooksley Born! he is afraid of someone for once. these hearings are a joke otherwise.

buff is looking at holtz-eakin like he's viewing a frog mating.

what the hell does "estimable" mean? the deference given buff is so naked and frankly, nauseating. what does "there is UTILITY in the model" mean? sounds like he's saying, "we can make money, so the model works."

got to stop watching before i throw something.

Weird obsession

Okay, so i watch congressional hearings. i admit i track the stock market and thought i could pick them if i had to. luckily, i have never had the money to invest and simply hope our state pension has some funds in it when we retire - at least enough to bury each other. the credit rating agencies are on today. it's like waiting for a blood match for an ultimate fighter. you want to watch even though the whole thing absolutely Horrifies you! today, the special match even has warren buffett to harrumph through the questioning, knocking out anyone in his path with "sage". the bp guy and the moody's guy are morphing into the enron guy and the madoff guy and, holy shit, WTF!? is there some culture of ultimate stupidity that we have to fight too?

any minor thing i do that is "illegal"? hard to care when no one is ever accountable for anything, especially if you have money. so here i sit, mostly law abiding except for the green, and if i get caught, Criminal! and jail. life in these united states is NOT fair.

invoke sovereignty and take our country back! we can't possibly do any worse than the crazed invaders have. watching them, especially buffett, turns my stomach. they are human oil spill. cspan ROCKS!

we're just a bunch of sludgey mother fuckers sleazing around! i have always felt that i was the dumbest one around, so i hide my ignorance by not writing, by not speaking out because i think everyone else knows, everyone else has the resources and time but no, not me. shit! now i know everyone else is just as fucking STUPID as i am! i don't how to express all this anger without swearing but i will in deference to my partner who hates my alley talk. i love it but oh well, i'm used to censoring myself, that is the whole point, right?

some idiot went to law school and all they get to do is be sleazy!? a guy goes to business school and all they get to do is become welfare queens!? you decide you're going to be in government at miserable rates and all you can do is let lobbyists screw you?!

there's got to be somebody who can do a job without selling their soul.

no one chooses to starve, but to be so acquisitive, against ALL logic, is suicide for us. what we do is act like we want to live here, act like we want clean air and water. simple.

AIG hearing on CSPAN

It is so instructive to actually hear the suits get together and explain to each other how fucked up they are. "De-leverage and De-risk the company!?" what the hell is up with an entire system of people basing EVERYTHING on "good risk management and planning?!" How does a naked short sale work? is it the same fucking thing that happened when we were forced to sign treaties? how and why some tribes signed treaties for others and all were forced to comply and all lost almost everything? This kind of greed and mendacity are rampant but by no means "new."

we created this world together, i have to keep reminding myself of that. now we have to fix it, together. how does one person start? tell me.

This earth is NOT "bounty"!

Another word or phrase i take issue with because what else can i do? just die, ay? Listening to our president explain to us how we will stop shitting on ourselves. earth is literally our mother and is not FOR us. merde! i'm enraged again, same as when some suit says "going forward, blah, blah, blah.", or another says, "we want to MAKE SURE blah, blah, blah."

is this what "forked" tongue means?

speaking of wall street, on american greed, a woman says, (paraphrase) "what did i learn? don't trust a man wearing an expensive suit and italian loafers."

today govt (via the Minerals Management Service and Obama) and wall street (arrggj!) got mixed up in my head. not a great combination to make something positive, got to try, AND die trying!

is this what being the fool who sold Manhattan for a string of beads feels like?

Ignorant but watching anyway

The stock market has been in my consciousness since that day in high school, waay, waaay back in the early '70's, when my econ teacher gave us play money to buy stocks. I became a play money millionaire in my own head as the stocks i picked gained and lost. it was a form of gambling in a way i understood except that in stickgame, the odds are always 50/50. i should have shorted myself on graduating from high school but that stock picking experience always kept me looking at the back page of the business section whenever i had a paper in my hands. lately i have had to gain more understanding of it as bun and i have had a little bit of pension money locked up with pebb. they have unwisely settled on muni bonds and "safe" picks that are now tanking. i knew the car companies would go down, even predicted housing crash (we still have 25% to go down) and cashed out my own small pension at the high but now the only thing i can think of is, "dow 5000, then i'll buy, (if i had the money of course) call it a market "correction".

Trying to self reflect, not succeeding but

at least, giving it a try. It is too easy to simply shit on yourself and make it even harder to give yourself a voice and let it be heard, crap though it may be. Why it matters so much that a voice is in perfect tune before it can be used is getting more ridiculous as I get older. How to get tuned? Fear is strangling me. I was not in the best mental or emotional health as it is, and the world burns. Every unreal image or experience, as a totality of our stories, hopefully, has to get sung, get written, ready or not.

It is also unfortunate that i am all the things i hate, including racist and fiscally irresponsible. I cannot fault myself for sexual peccadilloes, because who doesn't have them? not too crazy in that area, all in all, especially in light of the scandals of high profile politicos in the last few years. just as irresponsible is not being able to face anything, especially life and death, but including the most basic work needed to hold self, family, neighborhood and world together. what that is about cannot be the most important question for myself, or it stops me from doing anything, never mind keeping up with writing anything. i don't care why i'm so imperfect anymore, i have to have a plan for doing better, sure, but death is imminent, why is unanswerable, a waste of time. so sing it, ay?

My rage makes me incoherent, guess i can't worry about that anymore either. reactionary? what choice do i have other than to anticipate and be natural, whatever that is at the moment? people are sleeping under bridges and have no food, what can i do about that? what do we do as our water and air are poisoned and non one has trust in anything, so it all gets worse while we fight over limited resources. Dreaming helps by allowing me to experience a world at peace, music in the air, campfires bright, people streaming here and there, getting ready for something, laughing, calling out. I'm always headed up a hill towards a starry sky, family beside me, a long walk ahead.

not cancer

have been negligent yet again but at least now i know i do not have cancer of the colon. the test was not bad, the preparation was noxious but worth it all in all. the health of our entire ecosystem is another question entirely and how i feel is enraged. what to do about all that other than write to this blog, which btw, is still directed to the kids that i have in reality, since as usual, i cannot communicate directly with them either, at least not right now.

my days are short, and like everyone else, i want to be free, comfortable, loved, a lover, a good friend with real friends, to be a part of my own family and able to create family out of the masses. no way to know anything, so kuunuu to all of religion and politics, economics especially. no more tv news for me either. what truth there is i have to find in myself and for now, i'm a big, fat, liar.

SHPY (should have posted yesterday)

bp and gs are falling like boulders and are even being downgraded, like that ever happens and wow.  bp is losing something like point ten per ten minutes and gs has lost 20 billion in value!

"blah-blah" Biggs says "buy." dow down 140 pints.  boy, he is stuttering like a schoolboy not sure of his answer.  he must own a lot of gs and he knows this is not a jobless recovery, there is no recovery at all.

today is the last day of first time homeowner credit and jingle mail outpaces that.  we are not close to a bottom, why do we deny this?

who looks at disaster and smiles?

Poison

One more thing to get exorcised about.  BP just leaked millions of gallons of oil off the coast of Louisiana after fighting for years to deregulate their industry.  

Well, what do I want out of this?  Health and joy.  Gag.  Not even sure how to register this in my brain.  The animals and any life in the way of this spill are poisoned, being poisoned as I write.  Shit.

At least BP's stock price is taking a hit.  If we're lucky, some of those clowns go to prison and BP ceases to exist. 

Gag, gag, gag.  I have to do something physical, back later.

Mai ji sa ze nen

Been afraid for so long that it is strangely liberating to just say, "It's a good day to die."  This is some kind of native american stereotype, I'm sure, but today I choose to become active somehow.  Pain, poverty and death seem more real everyday, without taking any risks, so what am I afraid of?

Deep down, the fear is being replaced by a sense of what I want for myself, what I want for everyone else, yes, that old saw - - PEACE, dammit, Peace.

Done

Levin hearing comment: Be funnier if they flashed pics of these guy's houses, cars, watches, suits, restaurant and flight tabs as they testify. Levin rocks. lol!

As funny as it was to watch the GS smirking at Levin it was depressing to understand how far away we are in getting a bill out of the senate.  The only way to reconcile being a citizen of this country is to get involved in such a way that I take back a measure of my power, my understanding of fairness and economy and do it here and on twitter first and foremost.  

Any kind of self espression that will crowd out the cries of rage and helplessness that I want to let out in pure madness at what we have had to live through since our world was invaded.  This kind of rage has been killing my spirit and my family is dying around me, so it is necessary for me to find another way.

Even if it kills me, it has to be towards peace and equality, it being my self expression, in league with others, hopefully, but not dependent on them.  I have to be dependent on only myself.  If death is sooner rather than later because of it, hell, yes, I'm scared but today I'm done hanging back, done, done, done.

"Socialize" my thoughts!?

Birnbaum is amazingly smug.  He is trying so hard not to laugh at Tester's questions.  He is not so great at socializing his thoughts at this hearing.  Tester is going to rip gs mainly because of him  

Sparks is dancing his ass off.  He is effectively saying,  "There were suckers who wanted this risk, give me a break, here!"  He is an under-liar.

So maddening that most of us have trouble making our bills and don't know how to do taxes half the time and these guys get paid billions for being dollar hogs.

CSPAN rocks

Always have to acknowledge good tv when it's there.  The idiots from wall street are having to fight smugness while evading questions AND condescending to the politicians in front of a SENATE committee meeting and millions of people watching!  It's even more hilarious to watch these young, reckless, dollar-slaves try to justify themselves (in such indignant tones, yet), and now the freakin' republican is getting irritated!  Not looking good for the moneyslaves.